Raising STARS: The Dynamic World of Dads and Daughters-A Message from SAA Lower School Dean, Kathy Boccia

In non-pandemic times, our SAA Lower School girls would have recently celebrated the special relationship with their dads at the annual Daddy-Daughter Date Night. Read on as St. Agnes Lower School Dean, Kathy Boccia, explains the influence dads have on their daughters and shares some advice on relationship building.

Dads, you are far more influential in the lives of your daughters than you may think you are! No matter your daughter’s age, your presence will always have an effect on her life. Trust me, I know...my father’s presence influenced me from childhood through adulthood. Even at ninety-two, he was still the one whom I could always count on.

As you may have already discovered, the dynamic world of dads and daughters can be challenging at times, so let’s look at some ways that you can interact with your daughters that are suggested in the book Strong Fathers … Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker, M.D.

1. You are the Most Important Man in her life. When a dad is more involved with his child on a day-to-day basis, she is more apt to confide in him. This can be accomplished by the balance of establishing rules and boundaries for your daughter and exhibiting your love and affection. While it may be trying at times, if you allow your love to supersede your disappointment or frustration, your daughter will learn that she can trust you with her vulnerabilities. I still remember my father’s response when I was sixteen and wrecked our family car. I dreaded his arrival home from work, because I thought that he was going to be so angry at me for my carelessness. There is no doubt that he was not happy about the situation, but the first thing he said to me was, “Are you alright?” When I told him, “Yes,” he responded, “Good, we can always replace the car, but we can’t replace you.” Then we sat down for dinner.

2. She needs a HERO and she has chosen YOU! The good news is you don’t have to possess all of the traits of an action hero to be your daughter’s hero. However, dads do need to be aware of the ways that they can lose their hero status, namely, losing her respect, failing to lead, and failing to protect her. Too often, dads give in to their daughters. Remember that there will be those times when she may not like the lead that you are taking, and you will need to say to her, “I love you enough to let you be mad at me.” I assure you that once the drama settles, she will grow to respect your decisions and see them as evidence that you care about her.

As your daughter’s hero, you will need to set guideposts throughout her life. Let her know what you see in her and share both your rules and your aspirations for her. My dad did this for me when I was in college. I called him to say that I wanted to switch majors, but I wasn’t sure which direction to go. Without hesitation, he said to me, “Well, you have always been good in English. Why don’t you major in that?” I had no idea that he saw that in me, but when he shared it, I decided to change my major to English, and that was a decision that set my life on a path that I am still walking today!

Heroes protect, and interactions that protect your daughter can take many forms. Be gentle, respectful, and loving...HUG her. When a boy picks her up for a date, he needs to see YOU. When he drops her off, he needs to see YOU. Tell her that she can come to you at any time because you will always be there for her. Teach her self-respect and plan things with her, but remember, the balance slips when protecting becomes micromanaging.

3. Be the man that you want her to marry. Focus yourself on honesty and integrity: See

it...Do it...Teach it. Honesty sits at the heart of integrity, and the girls know how important this virtue is because our school’s motto is Veritas: Truth in all things. You want a husband for your daughter who is grounded in truth. 

4. Tap into your pragmatism and grit. Men see problems differently than women. Women want to understand...men want to solve. A dad’s pragmatism helps in situations when problems need to be solved. During those times when you need to be the voice of reason, teach your daughter that she needs to do something, not just to wantsomething. Dr. Meeker refers to this as the Princess vs. the Pioneer. She points out that princesses expect others to serve them, but pioneers expect that any improvement in their lives comes from hard work.

Grit enables you to apply solutions day after day, year after year. By modeling your grit as you interact with your daughter, you are teaching her that perseverance will enable her to accomplish her long term goals.

5. Teach her who God is. Why is this so important? Because your daughter needs HELP & HOPE! Why you? Because a good father is a good instructor about God. So take some time to reflect on What do you believe about God? And with a father’s wisdom, pass it on to your daughter.

So to all of our dads who are raising STARS, I leave you with these words of hope and encouragement from scripture …

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9